I am free.

I've seen this image pop up on my feeds a few times lately and for the life of me i can't find a title or artist.  However for me it is an extremely powerful image with so much background both both the top and bottom woman.  The top woman is freeing herself...

Do I feel free?  I got asked this the other day and quite frankly, yes.  Yes I do, most of the time anyway.  It made me really think about my life and the choices I make.  But first, what even is “free?”  According to good old Google, “free” means being able to act or be done as one wishes, not under the control of another”.  I am extremely fortunate and grateful to live in Australia and to be able to live a “free” life.  However, there is literally being free and living in a free country, and then there is being free from your mind, the pressures of others and those of contemporary society.  For so many people, myself at times included, your mind and body can feel like a prison, they control you.  You can feel those caged ghosts screaming inside, rattling around, trying to get out, but you don’t know how to release them, to “free” them.

I used to feel trapped, stuck and generally like I was living in a prison that was my mind and body.  I knew I needed to change this around, not only for my physical health, but also for my mental health.  First I had to decide what I wanted.  I wanted to feel free.   Wanted to be free from the fat.  I wanted to be happy, and at the time “skinny”.  Yes, while I no longer believe that “skinny” is a measurable or even healthy goal to have, that was what my 100kg self wanted.  She thought that if she was “skinny” all her demons would magically disappear, the judgment would disappear.  It took me awhile to realise that this wasn’t going to be the case.  For that to happen, I had to free myself… free my mind and my body from the dark cloud of negativity and hatred that clouded my life.  Exercising and eating to nourish my body helped to clear my head and put me in the right frame of mind to deal with my demons.  I’m not gonna lie, IT WAS HARD! 

Every time I went to criticise myself, I consciously had to stop, and flip it.  This was incredibly difficult in the beginning because I didn’t feel worthy of a compliment.  If other people complimented me I would convince myself that they were just being polite, and I sure as hell never complimented myself.  But I did it anyway, I was consistent and persisted with it.  With time, I was able to build myself up, and I learned not to care about what other people thought about me, good or bad.  I hated the way I looked and felt like my body was a prison determining what I could and could not wear, how I would and would not feel.  It messed with my head.  I wanted to overcome this hatred.  So my action was simple, every day I would look at myself in the mirror.  At first that was terrifying enough.  Once I got used to looking in the mirror, and looking myself in the eyes.  I started to compliment myself, all the things other people told me, that I had never believed.  And at first I didn’t believe myself, but I persisted and did this every day.  I soon started to believe that I was beautiful, that I did have skin that glowed and gorgeous silky hair.  Overtime I started to believe that my smile could light up a room.  Slowly, with time I started to feel free.  I started to feel happier with myself and with my body. 

I am learning not to buy into the pressures of everyday life and those of society, although this is easier said than done.  I also think that these pressures are unavoidable for everyone, unless of course you’re willing to go and live alone on a deserted island in some random location.  So instead of avoiding these pressures, we have to learn to cope with them.  I know what I want from life, and I have put into action what I need to do to achieve those goals.  So whilst I complain that I am totally buggered, stressed and pull long days, I know that these are the pay offs for me achieving my goals.  I know that if I want to graduate from Uni, I need to put in the hard work to study, now.  I know that if I want to be strong and healthy, that I need to nourish my body and train, now.  I know that if I want to support myself to live a comfortable life, I need to work, now, not tomorrow.  Yep, it might be tough and there will be times I get frustrated and totally over it, but this is what I have chosen to do.  I have chosen to pursue my dreams.  And at the end of the day, this is what being “free” is, being able to choose what ever it is you want to do without being told otherwise.

Liz Xox